Back in 2018-2019 after I'd left the beauty salon I was working at, I was working 2 part time jobs.  One was in an office and the other was at the airport.  I liked both well enough and it helped to barely make ends meet, but they were only part time.  When I applied for the airport, of course I wanted to be able to partake in the benefits of flying for free, but we couldn't afford to go on trips at that time.  Either way, the benefits were there, I'm really good at customer service, and I got paid to people watch for the most part.  The orientation was 1 day, but training was to be for 2 weeks in Chicago at one of the airport's major hubs.  For whatever reason, they couldn't send my group and I to Chicago and we were told that we'd have to do training here in Detroit.  This was to my utter disgust.

It was years later when I realized that my not being able to go to Chicago was for a reason.  I was in the midst of contemplating leaving my marriage.  I didn't have the gumption to just go, but life had me miserable.  I figured, if I could just use the 2 weeks away from home, maybe I'd feel better about returning to life as it was.  These weren't just sudden feelings: it was something major that I had to admit and then face.  I hate conflict, but this was an issue that affected me directly.  Of course it involved my family, but my own sanity was at stake and I was losing it.  I knew that a major change like this would affect my children and life as I knew it, but staying in the same spot was going to cost me my mind...and I'd be no good for them anyway eventually.  I'd been carrying these thoughts for a while and if you let my sisters tell it, they'd say, "Jennifer checked out for like a whole year."  This was true.  I wanted to spare the great changes that would affect my husband and 2 children, but I was living in a miserable space.  I wasn't myself anymore.  I thought I was hiding it but apparently not to well.

If I had gone to Chicago and returned, nothing would have changed or it would have taken longer for me to come out of my "slump".  I didn't like who I'd become and it was reflective in my every day life.  I was hurt and trying to keep everything inside, but that was only to my own detriment.  I just wasn't happy.  I felt taken advantage of.  I was trying to do right all while knowing that I was being wronged and I was fed up with it.  I felt stuck and that only added to my existing frustration.  I was working 2 part time jobs for Christ's sake!  Where would I go...and HOW?

Clearly, having me to stay home during the training was the kick in the pants that I needed to make my move.  It hurt then, not to be able to get away but I don't regret how it played out in the end.  I'm not giving a whole lot of details here, but the point is for me:  I have to face my fears and deal with issues even though the outcome will create major change or even hurt.  Nothing is worth losing your mind over when you have the opportunity to make changes to prevent that.  It hurt to go through that transition, and there are still residual feelings from going through that.  But change is a part of life that we all have to face, whether it just happens or if we cause it.  

In my feelings...or whatever that means

Kids and their sayings these day; go figure.

Actually, I think I know what "in my feelings" means if it means what it says literally.  I am experiencing some emotions that I'd rather not get over at the moment; I'd like to explore exactly what I'm feeling and see what this leads to. (Is that it? I hope that's it...cuz that's what I think it is.)

So to address the old elephant in the room, I know it's been a really long time since I've posted a blog. (Ya happy now?  I admitted it.)  A LOT has happened since my last post.   I mean, shoot, I've had my second baby and she's almost 3 years old now!  So because I keep my personal stuff personal...I've decided to again post my deepest thoughts on a public interface!  Eye-ron-knee!  I thought about buying and writing in a journal, but handwriting unfortunately is a lost art because it's not instant like everything else we give our attention to these days.  Typing, however, works...especially on a qwerty board compared to an actual keyboard.

I'd love to talk it out but I get so emotional and the tears ensue.  I'm not a softee.  I'm not!  And crying in front of someone isn't comfortable for me.  Also, the folks that I would talk too would always take my side.  Well,  at least I would expect them to, and that's not always what I want.  It's times like this that I really miss my dad.  Oh my God, how daddy would listen and make it all better.  He'd give it to me straight but with such a gentleness that I'd have to take it.  Now, don't get me wrong...my Momma is the same way.  I just don't want to make her worry over MY issues.  I know that's what moms do, but I don't want to burden her.  She worries about me enough.  My sisters...would agree with my feelings and be ready to fight.  My brother is a quiet storm.  I can tell that he's thinking but he doesn't tell me what because he's so cool about everything.   He's too nice to get mad.  (One of those traits from my dad.)

So, blogging it is.  Not sure what all I'll say, but the point is to get it out.  I'm hesitant, but people say what they wanna all the time.  I've always been careful with my words, but this is emotional therapy for me.  Maybe I won't post the emotional blogs.  Maybe they'll never be read.  It was Abraham Lincoln who said, "Better to be silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."

Either way, wisdom must be used so that feelings won't be abused.

I'm Getting To It

Ok, so my sister has been fussing at me about posting another blog. I looked and realized that I haven't posted anything since March, and trust me, there is a lot that has happened since then. The weird thing is that I have a lot of time on my hands, so I don't know why I haven't posted anything sooner.

So let's play catch up. We live in Michigan and along with our national economy, I'm sure you've heard how bountiful things are in my state. In May, the day before my birthday, I was given my final check. It wasn't a big deal to me. I knew it was coming and wanted to have the day off for my birthday anyway. So, yaaay for me! I took my check straight to the bank and met my brother for ice cream.

God is good and we've been okay. After so many threatening letters and demands for payment, they simply don't scare you anymore when you know you don't have the money. Things kinda become a wait and see how it all pans out type situation. God has provided for us the whole time, so I'm learning how to depend on him totally: totally meaning, at rock's rock bottom.

In the mean time, I'm looking for work and noticing that just about every decent job opening requires you to have a degree. Well, once I graduated from Specs Howard School of Broadcast Arts, I wasn't interested in going back to school. I already had a well paying job at the time, so there was no big push for me to go back and attain a degree. Well, its been 8 years since I graduated and its true that time and experience brings you wisdom. I gotta get my old butt back in school! The good thing is that the government is helping its citizens with everything they can. I've been blessed: I never had to know anything about the ins and outs of government assistance. I am glad that its there though! I've signed up for several things and the federal pell grant is next on my list. I'm hearing that resources are starting to run thin, so I gotta get to it while its available.

After that, I can pick myself up by the boot straps and find a decent and well paying job looking for a bright, resourceful, hard working young lady with a NEW degree behind her name! In the mean time, and especially with all this time on my hands, I can decide exactly what I want to be when I grow up (lol) and what type of degree will further my career advances. But for now, its back to filling out all these forms and proving my identity. Although, I've been the same me all this time, I do know that I've done some growing and realized that change can be good. Since that has motivated me to keep moving, I guess that means I've acquired some wisdom too.

Duh, I don't wanna grow up!

Ok so, recently the hubbs and I had this conversation which I eventually deemed stupid after I though about it. Here's why: we were talking about having regrets about the things we own. We didn't put blame on each other for anything. We of course were voicing how we wish we had done things differently. Who doesn't think that way at times in life? But what I failed to remember at that moment in conversation was that everything we have was given to us, or rather meant for us, or destined for us to have or simply put...ordained by God. A couple of years after we got married, we were ready to have a child, but I didn't want to start a family and live in our 1-bedroom apartment: I wanted a house. Right after we moved into the house, we found out we were pregnant. After that, our circumstances changed and the things that we were blessed to have became harder to maintain.

I often have conversations with friends about returning to the piece of childhood that allows you to be dependent. We mention how if only we could be where we didn't have to worry about our own bills and responsibilities. But what I realized during my convo with the hubby (and I mentioned it) is that going through all this is just a part of growing up. Things aren't supposed to just fall in our laps and come easy all the time. We work hard and that makes us appreciate the things that we attain for ourselves. We work and save and penny-pinch and adjust things so that we can get and be happy with what we have. But what we (as believers) are dependent on God. I still find that I'm not as independent as I think I am. I need to consult God on every aspect of my life. I mean down to the most insignificant thing, i.e. if I want to stop at Taco Bell and get 2 caramel apple empanandas on my way home, and I roll up toward the drive way and notice that the line is ridiculously long, I say, "Well Lord, I guess it is rather late and I don't need them this time of night anyway!" and I drive on home. But next time, if it is meant for me to have such a treat...the line is totally empty, the empanadas are in my hands in a matter of moments, and they're piping hot!!! Oh, I believe God is totally behind that thang!

So silly us for not realizing that years later, we're still in the same house and have acquired more than what we had since we'd moved in. Well, duh! Silly us for not remebering at that moment who our source has been and is! Duh! If we trusted God before and have all along, then why wouldn't we continue to believe him for our needs now? Economy schmonomy! Who cares what's going on in the land. My household is not affected by it. Yes, that's my claim! "The earth is the Lord's and the fullness thereof; the world and they that dwell therein." My God shall supply all my needs according to his riches in glory! I am God's child and he owns everything; so why should I worry if my needs will be met? I rely on him totally and I worship and serve him. Because of my relationship with God, silly me for having forgotten that I have a Father who takes care of His own. Well, duh! Lesson learned, crisis averted, moving on...I've got living to do.

You look so stoopid.

Ok, so what's the point of being fake? Do you not think that we can see how two-faced you are or can be? Don't you not know how obvious it is that your smile is crooked? Who do you think you're fooling? You think we can't see that you really don't wanna be involved? That it pains you to participate wholeheartedly? Quit being a punk and just SAY SO! I get so tired of people who smile in your face, but totally intend to stab you in the back. Some of 'em are bold enough and would stab you in the chest (if you'd let them).

Spring is coming and that means the arrival of everything new. We do our spring cleaning to get rid of winter's dusty cabin fever germs and we let in the new, clean air, and fragrance of spring's first showers. We exchange heavier clothing for lighter garments in preparation to be able to move and function now that the weather change will allow us to get out(doors) and accomplish more. But while all is shiny, exciting, and new with the (normal) world, there still lurks a slow, dirty, unsettling, mischievous presence. It cleans itself off just enough to be seen for a moment, with all intent and purpose to slink back into the shadows of obscurity. It hides its hands, promoting deceit. Dirty work is handled best in the dark, you know. If its out of sight, its out of mind: covered, sneaky, unsuspecting, ugly, and sometimes down-right dangerous.

But what those corner lurkers forget...is that cheaters never win, and all darkness will be brought to the light. Exposure can be so embarrassing. Scratch that. Exposure IS embarrassing. When you have something hidden and don't want it seen, but it becomes uncovered, that's EXPOSURE. If you have something that is covered, but you want it to be shown, that's called REVEALED. When you usually hear the saying, "It will all come out in the wash", you immediately think of the part that something will be exposed. Let me make this part stand out to you: ALL will be washed. When you do laundry and can't remember what items are clean and which are dirty, but their all in the same heap, you wash them ALL. Those that were clean come out clean. Those that were dirty...COME OUT CLEAN.

My point is, get your mind right, life together, and "be kind to your mind" (lol).

(This post is a metaphor for those who are close to me and know what's going on around us. If this does not pertain to you, you can still use and apply what's been shared.)

Revelation 21:8 But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whore mongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death.

I Got Kicked Out! Yeah, I know! I can't believe it either!

Ok so, last night, its already beyond Jo Jo's bed time, and he's in bed but not going to sleep. His lamp is on which provokes him to do everything but get sleepy. I'm in the office in the next room listening and growing all the more frustrated because I know that he doesn't do mornings just like I don't. He's singing and playing with something because he occasionally knocks against the wall. Well, I had decided that enough was enough and the light must be turned off.

He's not scared of the dark, (I don't think), he just protests the dark because it means he has to go to sleep. I walk in his room and turn off the lamp and he immediately protests, "Turn the light back on." I say, "No lets talk. What happened at school today?" We talk in hushed tones as we review his classmates names and who was in attendance that day. After we've finished our little chat I say, "Ok, now lets go to sleep. It's late and you shoul'dve been sleep by now."

Of course, I had a few more things to do in the office, but I had to get him calm enough to fall asleep. The light from the office is on, so its not totally dark, and Mommy is RIGHT THERE, so he has no reason to be afraid.

After a few moments of stillness and me pretending to be asleep...he's on to me. He sighs and says to me while pointing, "Go get in Daddy's bed."

What else could I do but leave? I got up and went back into the office and finished my work. When I was done, I figured he had fallen asleep, so I went to check on him before I went to bed. When I walked in, he was asleep...but he had gotten up and turned the lamp back on!

If he has this much sense at 3, what am I going to do when he turns 5?!

Gotta get it out!

Ok, so...(Do I start all of my blogs like this?) Anyhoo,

So, there's a track on the new Mary Mary CD "The Sound" titled "Boom". Its about holding stuff inside that you need to release. Lyrics say, "My grandmama told me/you'd better tell the truth/'cause if I hold this information/and just let it brew/its gon' build like/BOOM".

This puts us at this post today. I was talking to one of my sisters (Hi T!) about a recent meeting we had at church where appointments were made. To give you the short history: we got a new pastor and he asked who was over what auxiliaries and if you were over more than one, you had to choose which one you were more dedicated to. Ok, so our church is in a district with a new leader and now, a new pastor. At the district meeting is where we are at the beginning of this paragraph. You still with me? Keep readin'.

Ok, so I was put into a position on the district level that I am debating on whether or not to keep on the local level. Let me explain: I am over an auxiliary at my church and was appointed to the same auxiliary within the district, meaning, I'd be the overseer of the auxiliary within all the churches in the disctrict. Thankfully, there are only 2 churches in the district at the moment.

Here's where my dilemma begins. I want to and-eventually-hopefully-really-soon talk to my pastor about how I feel about all this. I am over several things in our church. And the hubs and I tiff over it all the time about how busy I am and why I HAVE to be there all the time or why I HAVE to go all the time. But, its a thing for me and many of the other members thatfeel like, "I'll take it on because I don't want it to fall/fail." The group that I'm over is definitely needed and I'm not sure who would/could take it on if I don't want to or can't do it anymore. So, again, I don't want it to fall, which makes me again obligated to stick with it. I know what type of response I can get from the group and it frightens me that they won't respond the same way with someone else over them.

Don't get me wrong: I don't mean this in a vain way at all. Its just that just anybody couldn't do this particular job. The right person has to have a certain repoire with the participants. That's about as much of that as I can touch, so I'ma let this go for now.

Anyhoo, I have a young family at home. My husband doesn't understand the church lifestyle that I live and he and my almost 3-year-old son need me to be at home. Don't think I'm like running out on them and heading for church every free second I get. (I'm sure if you ask hubs, he'll say so, but he's crazy so don't ask him anything.) I LOVE being busy. It...um...gives me something to do! (Duh!) But I guess I am trying to cut back a little, but honestly this one particular gig is one that I think I am officially ready to give up. I have my reasons that I won't list here, but I'd tell if asked.

I guess I just need the right time, words, and opportunity to discuss this with my pastor and district superintendent. I at least need to get it off my chest.

This is a start...