In my feelings...or whatever that means

Kids and their sayings these day; go figure.

Actually, I think I know what "in my feelings" means if it means what it says literally.  I am experiencing some emotions that I'd rather not get over at the moment; I'd like to explore exactly what I'm feeling and see what this leads to. (Is that it? I hope that's it...cuz that's what I think it is.)

So to address the old elephant in the room, I know it's been a really long time since I've posted a blog. (Ya happy now?  I admitted it.)  A LOT has happened since my last post.   I mean, shoot, I've had my second baby and she's almost 3 years old now!  So because I keep my personal stuff personal...I've decided to again post my deepest thoughts on a public interface!  Eye-ron-knee!  I thought about buying and writing in a journal, but handwriting unfortunately is a lost art because it's not instant like everything else we give our attention to these days.  Typing, however, works...especially on a qwerty board compared to an actual keyboard.

I'd love to talk it out but I get so emotional and the tears ensue.  I'm not a softee.  I'm not!  And crying in front of someone isn't comfortable for me.  Also, the folks that I would talk too would always take my side.  Well,  at least I would expect them to, and that's not always what I want.  It's times like this that I really miss my dad.  Oh my God, how daddy would listen and make it all better.  He'd give it to me straight but with such a gentleness that I'd have to take it.  Now, don't get me wrong...my Momma is the same way.  I just don't want to make her worry over MY issues.  I know that's what moms do, but I don't want to burden her.  She worries about me enough.  My sisters...would agree with my feelings and be ready to fight.  My brother is a quiet storm.  I can tell that he's thinking but he doesn't tell me what because he's so cool about everything.   He's too nice to get mad.  (One of those traits from my dad.)

So, blogging it is.  Not sure what all I'll say, but the point is to get it out.  I'm hesitant, but people say what they wanna all the time.  I've always been careful with my words, but this is emotional therapy for me.  Maybe I won't post the emotional blogs.  Maybe they'll never be read.  It was Abraham Lincoln who said, "Better to be silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."

Either way, wisdom must be used so that feelings won't be abused.

Ten-Twenty-five-O-four

So that time came around again. This date marks the 4th year since my dad passed away. I keep it in my calendar as "Dad's Death Anniversary" because I'm not sure what else to call it. My hubby said, "Why is it called an anniversary. I think anniversaries are for happy celebrations. His death wasn't necessarily something to celebrate." But again...I don't know what to call it!

My dad passed away after suffering from complications with diabetes. He of course died too soon. He had been sick and sometimes weak for a few years, but we weren't ready when it came time for him to go. He was days shy of turning 55 years old. (This isn't what I want to revisit, so I'll move on.)

This year, I was with my husband and his side of the family for game night. I didn't talk to my mom, sister, or brother about "the day" so we made no plans for us to do something together. Sunday I was with my mom and sister and my mom said she went to the cemetary. She asked if I'd been recently. I told her it had been a while and now that I think about it, I was pregnant the last time I went, so that would make it about 3 years ago. My sister said she's never been. The year of his death, my mom did the sweetest thing when daddy's birthday came. We had a birthday party for him and we went to dinner. She had bought each of us a gift...(I'm sorry.)

Dwight D. McCarter, Sr.

11/13/1951 - 10/24/2004

We of course sang happy birthday and talked about dad and laughed. It was nice. We've never been the types to share our emotion in front of each other. We try to be strong for one another, so I think we all must cry in private. I do anyway.

The first father's day was rough for my mom. She stayed home. My sister and I were with the rest of the family. My grandmother stated that she knew it would be a hard day. People were so sorry for us, but we were fine. I mean, by July, it had been months since he passed so, we were cool. We took turns calling to check on mom and she said that she was ok. She just wanted to stay home that day.

Ever since then, we still talk and laugh about dad. His passing of course still stings as if new. I have my moments from time to time and I try to keep my feelings supressed until I'm alone. I think my hubbs still knows when and what I'm thinking at these moments. He's right there to comfort me, but he knows how to back off just far enough to let me have my moment...(whew...I'm sorry.)

My dad still lives through us. We still do what he taught us. Some of us still carry his mannerisms. My son does too. It's so weird! He sits in his chair the way my dad did when he was relaxing. When he was really young, Jo Jo would babble in his sleep. Hubbs said he was talking to my dad. I kinda believed it. He likes his food HOTT like my dad did. (What kid doesn't mess around and wait until the food is all cold and soggy before they eat it?!) Sometimes I can feel his presence around me. Its a feeling like a familiar presence is there with you. I don't believe in ghosts and I never ask to see my dad in that form, but I do feel him from time to time.

My point here is that I would like for us to let our guards down and talk about what happened leading up to that date. We could even cry in front of each other if need be. Not that there would exactly be closure, but I think talking about "the day" together would help us with our feelings and bring about a sense of comfort amongst one another. Crying in private about feelings we all share isn't working for me. I wanna talk about how I felt and what my mom, sister and brother were feeling. How scary and disappointing it all was. How it still affects us to this day. For a long time, none of us could even drive past the hospital area where he died. I still get a little uneasy driving through there.

I just don't want to carry on like we have no feelings about the whole thing. The date is gonna come around year after year...and I don't wanna act like it doesn't exist.